


Middle Earth's Top Dating Show

by orphan_account



Series: Crack-Tastic! [6]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Dating Shows, F/F, Fem!Frodo, Fem!Gandalf - Freeform, Fem!Ori - Freeform, Humor, I give up on tagging this, Mild Sexual Humor, Modern AU, Rule 63, Rule 63 ALL the characters, THERE WILL BE CRACK, fem!Azog, fem!Bard, fem!Beorn, fem!Bilbo, fem!Fili - Freeform, fem!Kili, fem!Legolas, fem!Nori, fem!Thorin, fem!dori - Freeform, so much crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gandalf runs Middle Earth's top rated dating show. Lobelia and Otho have signed her up in hopes that Bilbo finding a girlfriend will get them Bag End.</p><p>Bilbo meets dwarves who try a bit too hard. Humans who she wouldn't mind but who are twice her size and more. An elf queen who causes the ultimate sass fights. Somehow an Orc got on the show.</p><p>She'll need a lot of coffee.</p><p>Modern AU where all races are kept and everyone is Rule 63'd. Prepare for humor and crack.</p><p>So much crack.</p><p>You, the reader, get to decide who Bilbo ends up with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Curse you, plot bunnies.

"Bilbo," Otho said, "you've always been single. Wouldn't it be nice to have yourself a wife?"

"No," Bilbo said. "I am just fine by myself, thank you very much." She crossed her arms over her chest.

"But wouldn't Frodo enjoy another aunt?" Lobelia asked. He smiled down at the little girl. "How would you like for your aunt to get a wife? One who will treat her like a princess?"

Frodo's blue eyes widened. "Aunt Bilbo, someone wants you to be a princess!"

Bilbo sighed. "Fine, I'll go on the damn show. But you are not going to get Bag End."

Otho smiled. "We'll see. For all we know you, the winner, and Frodo could all run away as far as possible from the Shire and never look back."

Bilbo rolled her eyes. "Of all your hair brained schemes to get Bag End, this is quite possibly the worst yet. What's next?"

Otho just plastered on a smile. "Just try it. I've heard that these shows pay big."

Bilbo sighed.

-

She had someone fretting over her as though she were a child.

"Your makeup must be redone!" an older looking dwarf woman said. Her name card read "Hello, my name is Dori!" "And that outfit? You're out to impress!"

Bilbo sighed, but let the woman redesign her face and pick her out new clothes.

Frodo sat next to her reading a book. She was dressed in a simple light blue dress, but this was the best that Frodo's unruly curls had looked in a long time.

"So how long is the filming of this supposed to last?" Bilbo asked. "Or do they air it live?"

"Have you ever watched it?" Dori asked.

"No, I was forced on this show by family members."

"That certainly isn't an unusual story." She smiled down at Frodo. "You have a beautiful niece."

"Thank you. She takes after my side of the family. She gets all the good looks, and more importantly, the brains."

A little girl, looking only about a few years older than Frodo (though at the rate dwarves aged she was probably decades apart from Frodo), walked in. She had light brown hair and matching colored stubble. On her nose sat thick framed glasses.

"Dori," the girl said, "why is Nori so excited?"

Dori scowled. "She actually entered the show." Dori looked at Bilbo in the eyes. "My sister thought that it would be funny to enter the show that I work for as a contestant. When I mentioned it, I thought that she was joking." The woman sighed. "You will be eliminating one woman tonight. Make sure it's Nori. Believe me, she isn't who you're after."

Frodo tottered off after Ori and Bilbo didn't try to stop her. Dori was having a long speech about everything wrong with Nori and how Ori was a far better sister to have. If Frodo stayed she would have died of boredom, whether or not she had a book with her.

-

"We introduce to you, the new star of our show, Bilbo Baggins!" the announcer was an old witch named Gandalf. From what little Bilbo had heard from Dori, she loved to meddle in the lives of others so much that she made a reality TV show about it.

"Hello," Bilbo said, knowing millions of viewers, both in Middle Earth and beyond, were watching her.

"Bilbo," Gandalf said, "are you ready to go on an adventure?"

"Eru Iluvatar, no."

Gandalf laughed. "Well then this will be good for you and most amusing for me."

Bilbo had to force herself to not groan.

"Do you have any family with you that these contestants will have to face up to?" Gandalf asked.

"Do you mean physically?" Bilbo was not about to let her little Frodo get hurt. Ever since her parents had died, she'd vowed to raise her the best that she possibly could.

"No. Your family just might have standards to reach."

Bilbo thought for a moment. "If they want to impress me then they must also impress my little Frodo."

As if on cue (which she probably was), Frodo skipped onto the stage. She smiled and waved at the camera, but she seemed genuine unlike Bilbo.

"Frodo," Gandalf said, leaning down so that the small hobbitling could speak into the microphone, "are you excited to be on TV?"

"Yes!" Frodo said. "Hi Sam! Hi Merry! Hi Pippin!"

Gandalf chuckled. "So what do you want the winner to be like?"

"I want the winner to treat Aunt Bilbo like a princess!"

Gandalf smiled. "Well, they better be prepared. This little girl has standards that must be met. So why do you want your aunt to be treated like the heir of a country?"

"Because princesses are pretty and have beautiful armor which they kill dragons with!"

The audience laughed.

"That they do, Frodo." Gandalf grinned. "I think that it's time to meet the contestants." She paused for dramatic effect and then waved her arm. Out of thin air appeared a dwarf woman. She was taller than Bilbo, with dark hair and a short beard. She was dressed in good robes, mostly colored blue and silver, along with a jacket made of what looked like real fur.

"I give you Thorin Oakenshield."

Thorin smiled down at Frodo. "So you want to kill dragons?"

Frodo nodded.

Thorin chuckled. "I have no doubt that you can."

"Speaking of dragons and slaying them," Gandalf said, "our next contestant is one of the world's last killers of dragon for sport. She's famous for taking down the famous red drake. Her name is Bard."

With a wave of Gandalf's hand, she too appeared out of thin air. She was a well muscled woman, and Bilbo could see Thorin comparing herself to the woman next to her. Bard had a quiver full of arrows attached to her back and a bow in her hand. There were scars covering her face and arms, but they only served to make the woman look tougher. She was dressed simply, in a black T-shirt that showed off her muscular frame and khaki shorts. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Sunglasses covered her eyes. Really, Bilbo would've been falling at her feet to spend some time with this woman, at least if she wasn't over twice Bilbo's size. Frodo didn't even come to her knees.

"Slaying dragons is worth it," was all the human woman said. She leaned down and let Frodo inspect her bow.

"Up next," Gandalf said, "is Beorn."

Out of thin air appeared another tall, well muscled, and dark haired woman. She had her hair cut short, and wore a flannel shirt and farming pants. She was tanned from years in the sun.

She nodded at Bilbo. "It's nice to meet a pretty lady like you and her little girl."

Bilbo turned red, forgetting for a moment their ridiculous height difference.

"There's something interesting about Beorn," Gandalf said.

"What?" Bilbo asked.

"I can turn into a bear." Beorn beamed.

"Really?" Frodo asked.

"Really," Beorn replied.

"That's awesome!" Frodo said.

Bilbo didn't take too highly to that, but made no sign of it for fear of being rude.

"Well we have a few more interesting contestants on us." Gandalf waved her hand. "This is Nori, and from what I've heard she always has a trick or two up her sleeves."

A brown and orange haired dwarf woman appeared on stage. Her clothing was an impressive leather collection, and her hair was pulled back in the shape of a star that Bilbo knew Dori wouldn't appreciate.

"No," Bilbo said automatically, before Nori could even get one word out of her mouth. "Dori warned me about you."

Nori sighed.

"Up next," Gandalf said, "is someone a bit on the taller side."

A bit? Every contestant was taller than Bilbo. It wasn't her fault that she was only three feet tall.

An elf appeared. From what little Bilbo could see of Thorin, the dwarf woman was shooting daggers.

"Hello," the elf said. "My name is Thranduil."

"The Thranduil?" Bilbo asked. "The queen of Mirkwood?"

The woman nodded. "I am not going to treat you like a princess; stay with me and I will make you a queen." She grabbed Bilbo's hand and kissed it. Bilbo turned red.

Frodo smiled. "I like her, Aunt Bilbo!"

From the corner of her eye, Bilbo saw a look from Thorin that would put the elf six feet under if looks could kill.

"Up next," Gandalf said, "is someone cheerful."

A dwarf woman wearing an old looking hat appeared. She smiled at Bilbo and Frodo. She tipped her hat to Bilbo. "Yer' lookin' even prettier than in the picture." She pulled something out of her pocket and handed it to Frodo.

"Thank you!" Frodo said. She held up a small toy dragon. Bilbo hoped that she did that out of the goodness of her heart and not so that she would pass this round.

"We have another dwarf here today," Gandalf said. "Here's Dwalin!"

Another? That made four. Did Otho and Lobelia think that she had some sort of dwarf fetish?

Out of the air appeared a dark haired woman with a longer beard than the other dwarf women. Tattoos covered her arms and an axe was attached to her back (this was definitely going to be interesting). She was glaring at Nori, but then turned her eyes to Bilbo. "Miss Baggins," she said, reaching out a hand to shake.

Bilbo took it. Her hand was rough and she wore knuckle busters.

"Miss Dwalin," Bilbo replied.

The woman was rather gentle despite her rough appearance, and she made silly faces at Frodo. Frodo giggled.

"Up next," Gandalf said, "we have Azog."

Bilbo had turned too much to see Thorin from the corner of her eye, but she saw Dwalin scowl and instinctively reach for her axe before stopping herself. Killing a contestant would both cause the ratings to soar and drop because the whole thing would probably be cancelled.

An orc woman appeared out of the air. She was much larger than Bilbo and quite pale for her kind. She had a prosthetic arm and Bilbo wasn't sure if she wanted to know how the woman got it.

She smiled at Bilbo, though it looked more like a grimace. She looked down at Frodo. "Would you like a warg puppy?"

"Yes!" Frodo said. Her attention was no longer attached to the toy dragon that Bofur had given her.

"And now here's someone more Bilbo's size!" Gandalf said.

A hobbit woman appeared in front of her. She was plump, with dark hair and large blue eyes.

"Smeagol," she said. Her lips looked lush and soft. "It is good to meet you two."

Well, seeing a hobbit, especially one with such fine foot hair and one who had obviously eaten a good deal of food before (how could hobbits resist those on more than the plump side?), was refreshing. This could be a good show after all.

"And last but not least," Gandalf said, "we have our show to get to."

The audience laughed and Bilbo groaned. A few of the people who she'd be spending the next few weeks around looked relieved that there wasn't another person to face off against.

Only then did Bilbo notice that she was surrounded in a circle by the contestants. Gandalf was slightly outside of it.

"Bilbo," Gandalf said, "tell me, what do you look for in a woman?"

Bilbo paused for a moment. "Well, I like looks, but after that I check to see if they're intelligent, if we get along well, make sure that they respect me, and try their cooking."

Most of the contestants paled (Bilbo didn't even know that Azog could get whiter), but Bofur and Smeagol grinned.

"Though that isn't everything." Bilbo clarified.

They frowned. Good, she wanted everyone to feel like they were on equal footing. Their appearance in the next few episodes did depend on whether Bilbo wanted them to stay or not.

"Now," Gandalf said, "you must eliminate one woman tonight. Who will it be?"

Bilbo took a deep breath and then exhaled. "Nori," she said, following Dori's advice.

The woman frowned and walked off the stage in shame.

"Well," Gandalf said, "you certainly didn't waste your time to ask questions like other contestants do." Gandalf smiled straight at the camera. "That's all for tonight folks! Next week we'll be looking at interviews and deciding what each woman will do with Bilbo. They'll also have to impress Frodo. I'm Gandalf, and I'll see you next week."

-

Bilbo was glad that the coffee machines served something of quality. They were on Middle Earth's top rated dating show. She definitely needed the coffee after tonight's show; she didn't even want to imagine what the next few episodes would do to her.

Frodo was back playing with Ori and three slightly older girls. Two were named Fili and Kili, who said that they were related to Thorin. The other older girl was a young elf named Legolas, and Bilbo didn't have to guess who her mother was. Another girl was there as well, though she looked to be about the same age as Frodo. Her name was Bain, and she was Bard's daughter. From what Bilbo could tell, they were all getting along nicely, and Bain and Legolas didn't seem to mind showing Frodo and Kili their bows.

"Bilbo," a familiar voice said.

Bilbo turned around. "Oh, Thorin..." She smiled.

What was she supposed to say?

"Want some coffee?" It was a stupid offer, but it passed as conversation.

Thorin smiled. "I would love it if you made me some."

The truth was, Bilbo didn't want to make her any. Still, she had offered to. Bilbo started up the machine again.

"Any specifications?" she asked.

"I want it black."

Bilbo nodded. Once it was finished, she gave it to Thorin.

"Thank you," she said. She took a sip. "Perfect." She leaned in closer to Bilbo. "Now I'm not going to get cocky and expect you to pick me."

That was a relief. Thranduil had loudly bragged about how she would be the winner.

"But you will not choose either Azog or Thranduil." Thorin's grip tightened around her coffee cup.

"Why?" Bilbo was mildly curious, and she needed something to say to her.

"Because they're bastards, that's why."

Bilbo put her hands on her hips. "Is that it?"

Thorin nodded. "What's more to be said about those two?"

Bilbo stepped closer to Thorin and looked up at her straight in the eye. "Do you think you can tell me who and who not I can choose? You don't even have good reasons like Dori did!"

"Bilbo, you've got to understand-"

"What is there to understand? All I know is that they're bastards for no known reason." Bilbo pointed straight at Thorin. "If you think you can tell me who to choose then you are cocky, Oakenshield."

Thorin smirked. Rather than try to argue with her, she patted her on the shoulder. "Standing up for yourself? I like you, Bilbo Baggins. I really do hope that you consider me." She took another sip of her coffee. "I better go get my nieces. Thanks again for the coffee."

Bilbo was flustered after that meeting. Already she'd found someone who really wanted to win. This was definitely going to make her a coffee addict.

-

They'd even gotten that on film. The next day it got ten million YouTube hits in under two hours. Bilbo regretted spending a little bit of her first paycheck on a new laptop (it was only a little because the paycheck really was big). Now a huge part of the fanbase was a shipper of "Bagginshield" or "Thilbo", and they seemed hellbent on the two getting together. Bilbo hadn't even known about the video until she clicked the link that Thorin had sent her (somehow she'd gotten Bilbo's email address) saying she needed to watch it. It had ended in a winking emoticon.

There were names for others. Some were sure that "Thranduilbo" would happen, well others were for "Bazog", "Bardins", "Smeagolbo", "Dwaggins", or "Bilbeorn".

Yes, this was definitely going to require a good few cups of coffee.

-

"No eating that cookie dough!" Thorin yelled.

"But why, aunt Thorin?" Kili asked, eyes wide as though she was innocent.

"Yeah?" Fili asked.

"Because," Thorin said, "I'm practicing baking cookies to impress Bilbo."

Fili's eyes widened. "So you do like her! I'm glad we signed you up!"

"Yeah!" Kili said.

"And if you touch my cookie dough I'll lose." Thorin frowned. "I've heard Thranduil has hired great bakers to help her. I don't want to go too over the top. Now go bother your father like good little girls."

"Okay!" the two said in unison.

The two ran off. Just afterwards, Thorin got a text. She wished that she knew how the damn elf queen got her cell phone number. All it contained was a picture of her and a chef.

GORDON RAMSAY, REALLY? was Thorin's reply.

Only five seconds later did she get a reply.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

Thorin just about threw down her cell phone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared, Nori fans.
> 
> Basically just a bunch of interaction between the contestants.

“Oh my Eru Iluvatar,” Bilbo said. “I can’t believe this.”

‘I just about dropped my plate.” Dori replied over the phone. “It’s not that I can’t see Nori doing this kind of thing, because I can, but the fact that over a million people agree with this? Ori doesn’t even know what’s going on and she’s wondering why her sister is so excited.”

“Are you even allowed to start a petition to get back on the show?” Bilbo asked. She was looking at the online petition right that very moment.

 

UNFAIR EXPULSION FROM MIDDLE EARTH’S TOP DATING SHOW  
I, Nori Ri, have made this petition due to the fact that I was unfairly expelled from the show. All that Bilbo Baggins knew about me was from what little information my biased older sister told her. I hold no offense to Bilbo Baggins and am sure that she is a great woman, but I wish that she had more time to get to know me. How can you expel someone on the first episode when they barely know each other? Bilbo was also denied the chance to get to know someone. We were both wronged in this. Please join me in asking the show to allow me back on and to stop the monstrosity of voting someone off in the first episode for future seasons. Thank you.

And there were over a million signers. Bilbo refreshed the page.

“Yavanna, we’ve reached the two million signers mark.” Bilbo sighed.

“Tell me that you’re joking.”

“I’m not, Dori. I would never hurt someone like that.” Bilbo refreshed the page again. “What the hell are people signing this petition for? Were that many people pissed off that Nori was taken off?”

“Apparently. I’ll speak with her later.” Dori paused. “But I don’t think that I can stop it. That’s a lot of people, Bilbo.”

“I understand. Thank you for whatever you can.”

The two said their goodbyes and hung up. Bilbo rubbed her forehead. Considering they were filming some scenes for next week’s episode today, she had a lot of taxi rides to catch.

-

“Fair warning,” Smeagol whispered, “my twin sister is not the best person to be around. She’s doing pipe weed.”

“Wasn’t that banned in the Shire?”

“She goes to Bree; they’re a bit looser about it there.”

“Does she do it responsibly?”

“I wish. If she did, I would understand, but she’s an addict.” Smeagol sighed. “Her name’s Gollum.”

“Yavanna, even her name makes her sound like an addict.”

Whatever Bilbo was expecting, however, was nothing compared to what she actually found in Gollum’s house. She didn’t even notice when they came inside, too busy smoking on her pipe. People still used those? She thought that they just rolled a cigarette like a normal hobbit.

“Hey, Gollum,” Smeagol said, “we’re here. I told you that we’d be here, or did you forget like always?”

She scowled at her sister. Her dark hair was matted and unevenly cut. Her clothes were dirty and her skin unhealthily pale. Unlike her plump sister, she was skinny as a rail. For a hobbit, she was far from healthy. Even her foot hair had fallen off.

“You know what?” Smeagol said out loud. “You’re not going to embarrass me on TV.”

“What? Me and the preshus was gonna be on the TV - gollum!” The woman’s blue eyes were filled with hate.

“Smeagol,” Bilbo whispered, “what is she trying to say?”

“Once you listen to her long enough you’ll start to understand.” Smeagol stiffened. “Well, if the people watching TV saw you and the precious then they would take your precious away.”

Gollum froze, clutching her pipe for dear life. She held it so hard that Bilbo thought it would snap in half. “No! They can’t take the preshus away from Gollum! No, Gollum!”

“Good,” Smeagol said, “I’m glad that we came to an agreement.”

-

The filming for her and Smeagol took place in a small restaurant. Frodo was off playing one of those crane toy games, leaving the two in privacy to eat their sandwiches.

“What’s your occupation, Bilbo?” Smeagol asked.

“I am a scholar of elvish and hobbit literature.” Bilbo smiled for the camera. She could feel the eyes of the restaurant patrons on her, all glad to get a free show. “I write books as well.”

“Have you been published?”

“Yes.” She knew that her book was about to sell a few more million copies. “I am regarded well among literary scholars of Middle Earth.” She took a sip of water to clear her throat. “But enough about me. What do you do, Smeagol?”

“I study phycology. I actually am working on a book right now.” Some of the impromptu audience let out little gasps of surprise. Once these videos leaked later tonight, Smeagolbo shippers were sure to soar. Bilbo reminded herself to order extra coffee from room service.

Frodo suddenly came back, holding a stuffed giraffe. She sat down and began to eat some of her aunt’s chips. Bilbo wondered if Smeagol was going to ask her a question, but she completely ignored her. In fact, she had given her niece a quick glance and done nothing else. She hadn’t said anything to her at all. Bilbo mentally wrote this down for later; if someone was going to ignore her niece then they weren’t worth it.

“What a cute giraffe,” Bilbo said.

Frodo beamed. “I won it myself, Aunt Bilbo.”

Bilbo smiled. “That’s amazing, Frodo.”

Smeagol looked like she was about to say something but didn’t. Well, it’d be her own loss.

-

“Hello,” Dwalin said. She smiled, though to Bilbo it looked more like a grimace. “My sister and I welcome you.”

“Hello,” Balin said, much more cheerily. “My name is Balin. Sorry my sister, she’s a bit new to this kind of thing. How are you doing today, Bilbo?”

“Good.”

Balin looked down. “And how are you doing, little one?”

“Good,” Frodo said. “I am very good. Are you Santa Claus?”

Balin burst out laughing. “Well then I’m glad you’re being good.”

Bilbo smiled. If Dwalin would just be kind to Frodo then she would have a far better chance than Smeagol.

“Child,” Dwalin said stiffly, “I know of your interests in bows. Do you want to see some axes?”

“Why do you have axes?” Frodo hugged her giraffe. “You aren’t going to hurt Mrs. Necks, are you?”

“Of course not!” Dwalin said. “I’ll teach Mrs. Necks how to fight. That way she can defend herself from her enemies.”

Bilbo had to keep herself from laughing. There was nothing not funny about watching the strong woman say “Mrs. Necks” in her deep voice.

“So,” Dwalin said, “we have some food to offer you.” She smiled. “I’ve been practicing cooking.”

Bilbo eyed Balin, who nodded. “I’ve tasted it,” the white haired woman said, “you’ll live.”

Bilbo sighed in relief.

The kitchen was neat, with dwarven maps hung along the stone walls. On the marble table sat a number of different plates of foods, some looking to be hobbit in origin. Well, she certainly had tried.

Frodo licked her lips. “Aunt Bilbo, can I have a cookie?”

“You can have whatever you want.” Dwalin said.

“I had to keep her from eating all of those,” Balin whispered.

“Thank you,” Bilbo replied.

Frodo sat down in a chair and began to grab food. For a hobbitling, she had a grown up’s appetite, which filled Bilbo with pride. Mrs. Necks sat in the chair next to her.

Bilbo’s stomach growled. “Excuse me,” she said, and then went over and filled herself a plate. “Frodo, fill your plate as well. It’s rude to spill crumbs on our guest’s table.”

“I’m sorry,” Frodo said to the two sisters.

“It is fine, lass,” Balin said. “We’ll let it pass.”

Frodo grinned. “Would you like some?”

Dwalin looked confused.

“Hobbit manners,” Balin whispered.

“Oh, yes!” Dwalin said.

“You weren’t supposed to actually accept!” Balin said. Either Bilbo’s hearing was good or Balin spoke a little too loud. Frodo showed no sign of having heard, and if she had she probably didn’t care.

“Miss Dwalin,” Frodo said after she’d had her second serving of cookies, “are you going to make Aunt Bilbo a princess? Is she going to get to kill a dragon?”

“Well,” Dwalin said, “I-”

“She really hopes that she won’t have to kill a dragon. They’re known for being rather mean.” Balin went over and sat next to Bilbo. The camera crew would be there soon.

“Yes,” Dwalin said, and then walked over. “I do hope that your aunt never has to fight a dragon. It would be such a shame to lose her to such an awful creature.”

“You think that I couldn’t defeat a dragon?” Bilbo asked.

Frodo grinned. “My aunt could kill a dragon with both of her hands behind her back.”

Dwalin froze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound that way…” She sighed. “If you’d like, I could teach the two of you how to use a battle axe.”

Bilbo almost laughed. “You think that Frodo can carry one of those?”

Balin snickered. “She’s right, sister.”

Dwalin groaned. “I’m sorry… Um, would anyone like some more cookies? I baked more.” That was what gave Dwalin another week.

-

Frodo, Fili, and Kili ran off, leaving Bilbo and Thorin alone.

“I give to you,” Thorin said, overdramatic on purpose, “Erebor!”

“Yes, yes, I know.” Bilbo said. “I came here for vacation a couple times.”

Thorin frowned. “Oh. What have you seen here?”

“I’ve seen the main diamond and gold mines, seen the various great crafts being made, bought a few rather expensive souvenirs, and gotten my niece a ‘My Aunt Went to Erebor and All I Got was this T-Shirt’ T-shirt. She was a baby back then, so now she can get an actual one. I’ll probably show her a few things later.”

Thorin nodded. “Oh, alright. Do you at least want some tips on how to avoid waiting in line all day? Some coupons?”

Bilbo smirked. “Alright, that would definitely help.”

“I’ll give you gold and jewels.” Thorin said. “I have whole treasuries just for me. Your little Frodo can grow up in riches.”

“The Baggins are already rich. Besides, she can’t just grow up surrounded by stone.”

“It’s not like we can’t find you a terrace or something. If there isn’t one then I’d be happy to have one built for you.”

Bilbo smiled. “Now I like that idea.”

Thorin grinned. Bilbo decided that as of now she was at an okay on her scale. According to most of the internet she needed to be with Bilbo (unless Nori had already stolen the spotlight). Still, all could change once she took a bite out of the food that Thorin was supposed to make for her come the next episode.

-

Thranduil was a lot like Bilbo. She did her best to raise her daughter, but once she was free she would get a little loose. Despite their vast size difference, they got along quite well. Thranduil knew how to keep her liquor down and she was quite a good dancer. Still, Bilbo couldn’t imagine actually being in a relationship with her. Friends with benefits? Yes. Girlfriends? Maybe, sort of. Married? Never.

-

How the hell did Nori get her email address? Did Eru not think that Thorin knowing wasn’t enough?

-

Walking through a garden with Azog was quite interesting, to say the least. Frodo had been left to play with Azog’s daughter Bolg and the rest of the little orcs, leaving the two alone.

“What are your interests?” Bilbo asked.

“Making others suffer,” Azog said. Seeing Bilbo pale, she spoke again. “I would never let you suffer! But any who would hurt you deserve death, and I will hang their head on your wall! Any who harm our little Frodo shall also feel my wrath!” She took a sip of the cup of tea that she’d bought. “Have you ever read works by Andrea Hortze?”

“I love her work! She manages to say so much in so little words.”

“I know. Once Bolg gets older I’ll be making sure that she at least reads one book by her.”

-

Bofur was a sweetheart. She had made fine food for everyone, along with more toys for Frodo.

“You mentioned that you liked books, so I thought that I could take all of you to a bookstore, maybe for coffee afterwards. Would that be nice?”

“Books!” Frodo yelled.

Bofur grinned. “Yes, lots and lots of books.”

-

Well, a date at an archery range was a lot of fun. Bard didn’t even mind that Bilbo was a better shot than her.

“You’ll be taking down dragons in no time,” the woman said.

Frodo just continued practicing her aim. Bilbo knew that if Frodo kept this up she’d never have to worry for her.

-

Beorn was a bear of a woman, and quite literally.

“So you’re a teddy?” Frodo asked.

“No, er, sort of.” Beorn was back in her human shape. Somehow this hadn’t phased Frodo in the slightest. “I’m a peaceful bear. I mostly live off of honey.”

Frodo was currently licking at a honey stick. “You live off honey?”

Bilbo certainly wouldn’t have minded that.

“Yes,” Beorn said. “I also have lots of animals. Want to see them?”

“Yes!”

Beorn turned to Bilbo. “Would you like to come with us, Miss Baggins? I promise that no harm will come to you. They are friendly animals, and if they see you with me then they will know that you mean no harm.”

“That sounds nice.”

-

“Five million!” Bilbo yelled. “Why the hell have five million people signed Nori’s petition?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if four million those of were made by Nori.” Dori replied. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this were all an elaborate joke. But then again, Nori has been rather serious about it. You don’t know how glad I am that Ori is my normal little sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's currently set that either Bard or Dwalin will win. Have your minds changed, or do you guys still vote for them? Don't worry, it's alright to change your mind. Oh, and you're allowed to vote for Nori.
> 
> So who do you want out?
> 
> The next chapter will be the new episode where everything that they said will be analyzed by Gandalf, since she's such a meddlesome person.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! I'm depending on you readers to help me decide who Bilbo chooses. You can also comment on who you want me to cut.
> 
> Please.


End file.
